I’ve struggled over the years with playfulness. I believe we are all innately playful, yet somehow I’ve allowed that natural tendency to be suppressed, year after year, due to my greater struggle—perfectionism.

I used to think perfectionism was a badge of honour. Oh, how I was wrong! Rather, it’s been one of my greatest sources of weakness over the years.

I’ve gone to great lengths to combat this, particularly over these past nine months.

I’m close…closer than I’ve been.

Tomorrow marks the Spring Equinox for those of us in the Northern Hemisphere—when day and night are of equal length with the sun crossing the equator, promising longer days and signaling rebirth all around us. In many ways, this time period feels like the beginning of the new year, providing an opportunity to reflect more so than the busy, distracting holiday season that is the end of the calendar year.

Just as trees and plants bloom and birds and butterflies emerge during Spring, we, too, come out of the introverted winter, stepping into a new light and new life. Especially given the past year and the trials and tribulations of the pandemic, with new hope on the horizon given vaccinations and promising news from countries like Israel, this Spring is as much a time to reflect and (re-)set intentions as it is to connect with others and put our contemplation of the past months (and year) to work.

Our bodies are very smart. They’ll spotlight A LOT for us if we just accept the invitation to look inwards and observe.

• Are we (or are we not) sleeping well?

• Are we eating more (or less) than we normally might?

• Are we getting headaches more frequently than before?

These bodily indicators often are signs of stress, which is a normal part of the human experience. In fact, the Cleveland Clinic defines stress as “a normal reaction that the body has when changes occur, resulting in physical, emotional and intellectual responses”. So good news—we don’t need to stress out about, well, stress, nor do we need to be ruled by it, either. That said, this is often harder said than done.

Why do we let stress take control?

I’ve been smiling (and laughing) a lot lately. It’s been through connecting to people, places and activities that bring me joy. It’s been through releasing that which doesn’t through journalling, meditating and walking, e.g. Through it all, I’ve turned more inwards than ever before, noticing how “alive” I feel from allowing myself to be in the present moment—smiling and laughing and experiencing that which is around me.

What are the benefits of smiling? And how can we practice it?

If we pause to tune inwards to our inner monologue, as happens when we sit on our cushion to meditate, we might begin to become aware of a lot of non-affirming self-talk and other negative chatter that appears to be on a seemingly continuous loop in our mind.

Try it. Sit or stand up straight. Close your eyes if comfortable. Take a few conscious breaths—become aware of your inhale and exhale.

Now become aware of your mind and its endless thoughts. What is it saying right now? Is it using positive or negative language? Is it using affirming or defeating language?

Spend a few more moments here. Okay. Now open your eyes.

How was that?

How many of you did the journaling exercise offered last week? It’s fair if you didn’t. It helped us begin to contemplate self-love and what it means, why it’s important and how it’s a challenge for most (if not all) of us.

In case you’re wondering, the questions and prompt are hard! It’s not a surprise if you haven’t done it…yet. It can be challenging to tune inwards and to see, hear and support ourselves.

So let’s practice. Let’s change the context.

Imagine now that you’re sitting with your son, or your niece, or your godchild, and you’re doing this exercise with this young, innocent soul. Would your tone be different? Would you speak more slowly and kindly? Would you offer more space, more pause? Would you accept the answers without preference? Would you allow the feelings without judgement? Would you hold this little person and their experiences with greater acceptance and compassion?

I’m going to guess yes, as I know I sure did when I imagined one of my nieces and nephews and practiced.

How might we start to extend that same acceptance and compassion to ourselves?

We can start by getting curious and learning about ourselves more…

February—the shortest month of the year, even on its longest days. It’s home to American Heart Month* and everyone’s favourite, Valentine’s Day. So it’s as good a month as any to start talking about self-love!

We’ll explore this topic in more detail throughout the month, starting with…

What exactly is meant by self-love?

Merriam-Webster defines it as:

• : love of self: such that

  • An appreciation of one’s own worth or virtue

  • Proper regard for and attention to one’s own happiness or well-being

  • Inflated love of or pride in oneself

Okay…we might not want to nurture that last part, but the first two bullets sound like obvious and noble goals!

Why does self-love matter?

How has January already come and gone? It feels like just yesterday when I shared my first post of the year On Beginnings, and here we are on the last Friday of the month, a fifth Friday at that.

I also don’t know how a whole year has already come and gone, either. It seems like a lifetime ago that it was January 29, 2020. And in many ways, it has been. We’re now in a #newnormal, or #nownormal, of a global pandemic that has shaken all aspects of our lives.

This time last year, I was planning my first road trip with my partner, and though a relatively new relationship, I thought it was my forever one. I was coming off the heels of an informal year-end review with my CEO, in which it was mentioned I could be her successor, so while the job was not without its challenges and concerns, I thought it was at least a long-term one. And I still had my buddy of ten years, Pedro (aka, Peter Rabbit), and though I knew his life was not infinite, I sort of hoped he’d defeat the odds.

Not four months later, all that had changed. Pedro had passed ten days after that, my relationship ended three months after that and my job three weeks after that (and COVID-19 had been declared a pandemic some time in-between)…

Inspiration can come at many different times and from many different sources. For me, most recently inspiration came on Inauguration Day from the steps of the United States Capitol by way of the words eloquently written and spoken by a young woman born in 1998 in Los Angeles, CA—now a household name, Amanda Gorman.

As did many of us, I found her poetry to be so moving and so in tune with the love and healing messages heard earlier that day from Vice President Harris and President Biden. Within her lines, the ideals of unity, of healing, of grief and of hope echoed loudly.

Our thoughts play a huge role with respect to our perspective on events and life in general. Both cognitive therapy and yoga philosophy discuss the impact thoughts have on our behaviour, acknowledging that they generally precede action. This means that often times, we’re more influenced emotionally by our reaction to something than from that “thing” itself.

Said another way, we often act based on our emotional reaction to something rather than the actual thing. Kind of unhelpful, right?

So…why might we interpret events in unhelpful ways?

It is a hard and beautiful time to be alive. These words could likely be written, read, spoken, heard at any time in history to accurately represent life, yet they seem particularly fitting in this present moment.

Many of us right now are likely angered, saddened, anxious. As if we didn’t have enough already to carry, we bore witness earlier this week to an incomprehensible act of sedition and insurrection at one of the foremost symbols of democracy in the world. We are shaken.

…

It is during these moments of incomprehension that I am even more grateful for my self-care and well-being practices that are so strongly anchored in yoga. It is through these disciplined practices that I can still attempt an inner calm despite all that is with respect to work and love and life.

So as we enter into week two of this new year…what might we implement today to nurture and foster this inner stillness and influence our perspective on life?

Happy New Year!

I don’t know about you, but since Christmas Day, I’ve felt this tremendous pressure to be ready and able to leave all of 2020 behind as the calendar ushers us into 2021. Willing, yes! But ready? And able?

I’ve wrestled with thoughts such as, I haven’t done this yet or I haven’t solved for that yet or I haven’t come close to fixing that yet. I’ve especially wrangled with, but I don’t want to take this <<hurt, pain, ache, fear, dread>> with me into the next year—I need more time!.

Side note: don’t get me wrong. I’ve also had countless moments since early May all the way to as recently as yesterday when I've told 2020 to go f' itself, begging it to be 2021 already.

And then the clock struck 12. 2020 was over; 2021 had begun.

I let out an audible sigh of relief.

No longer was there this unrealistic pressure of out with the old, in with the new but rather an acknowledgement that there’re still things to be done, solved, “fixed”; that there’s still anguish and anxiety that came along with me into the new year; and that that’s all okay.

Another side note: don’t get me wrong here, either. I still opened my back doors at midnight to let out the old year and opened my front door to welcome in the new year. You can never be too sure…

It’s all about perspective…

I have a super power. We all do.

Mine? It's my strong work ethic. It always has been. I'm a believer in discipline and hard work, and I enjoy the focus, persistence and motivation that my work ethic both requires and nurtures. It’s no wonder, then, that a strong yoga practice is the foundation of my self-care and well-being rituals, as yoga itself is a disciplined, driven approach towards transformation.

However...my relationship with my super power hasn't always been the healthiest. I’ve oftentimes over-prioritized it at the expense of its opposite—that being rest, relaxation, “down time”. This has sometimes (read: often) resulted in overwhelm, disappointment, frustration.

More times than not, I've directed my work ethic towards externally, productivity-driven “expectations"…

…

There is disruption that comes with initiation, and with it anxiety and fear, often due to loss of comfort, of routine, of identity. These challenges in turn bring about overwhelm, worry, self-doubt.

No wonder we run.

It’s easier instead to hold on (to dear life) to that which might only offer a false sense of security and certainty, but a sense of security and certainty at that—less frightening than to embark on an initiation to…where?

As I received my invitation, I pulled out pen and paper (figuratively) and scribbled out my stock reply. “Thanks so much, but sadly, I’m not available. I’m going for a run. Maybe next time! Enjoy.” I addressed the envelope, put a stamp on it. I laced up my shoes, in fact, and placed my hand on the doorknob.

But I didn’t run.

Instead, I chose to sit…

I’ve been re-watching Apple TV+’s Ted Lasso the last few weeks, which if you haven’t seen yet, watch now and thank me later. (And if you end up doing neither, we must talk…)

I would describe the show as both positive and cheerful while also sad and grounded—and overall, inspirationally kind and vulnerable.

While there are many incredible lines to quote for those of you whom that is a thing—including multiple references throughout as to why we should strive to be a goldfish—there’s a pair of lines that really resonates with me as we reflect and give thanks this Thanksgiving.

Late in the season, Ted, played by Jason Sudeikis, learns of a very personal and professional betrayal and has the option of how to respond. Many of us, if presented with our equivalent of this situation, would likely react first, reflect later.

Ted chose differently. He paused, allowing for space between the stimulus (the news) and his response. He invited in his breathe to slow down his sympathetic “fight or flight” nervous system. He related to the injurious individual, finding common ground and connection with this obviously injured person herself. Ultimately, he humanized his response, forgiving her and finding the silver lining from this otherwise hurtful situation.

…(it’s) changed my life. It gave me the distance I needed to see what was really going on…you and me? We’re okay…
~Ted Lasso (Ted Lasso, season 1, episode 9)

The connection, Catherine…please…

“It’s tough being the CEO of your own life,” said yours truly to her sister earlier today.

And while it is—tough, that is, playing this all-crucial role of CEO—it’s also not a role that I’d want to outsource to anyone else. I and I alone can hold this position for Me, Myself & I Incorporated.

There are days when I would give myself CEO of the Year Honours. (These are few and far between, mind you.) And there are days when I would fire myself if I could. (Thankfully, these are also few and far between.) Most days, I’m an average CEO. I get the job done. I can do better in some areas, I could probably do worse in others.

How do the best of us manage?…

It feels like it’s been awhile since I last shared my reflections of the week. I suppose it has—looking back, it’s been three weeks since my post on sadness. While those thoughts were specific…to the end of what I had thought was the beginning of a renewed commitment…, I suppose there’s been a layer of sadness enveloping me for awhile now. I’ve experienced a lot of loss, as have we all—my relationship (now twice), my job, my pet, my sense of normalcy, even my ability to travel as I otherwise might have with this “gifted” time.

But I’ve also felt sadness with respect to the state of discourse in our society today—the sheer divisiveness in language used seemingly at all levels, across all aisles, surrounding all topics—and our inability, or sometimes refusal, to recognize our shared commonalities. As like many of us, I’ve allowed myself to become distracted by much of this, which has hindered both my direction and my momentum.

Politics aside, this election cycle has renewed my hope and sparked an optimism within me that the future is bright…

I’m sad.

I’m not sure I can hide that I’m sad, and I’m not sure that I should. As Brene Brown says, “when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive ones”. I’m not willing to numb joy or happiness or pleasure anymore. I did this for far too many years as a result of walls I constructed around myself in order to protect me from, well, anything and everything—failure, fear, abandonment, rejection, loss, etc. I refuse to make this sacrifice anymore. So this then begs the question—what do I do with this sadness?

I embrace it.

While I don’t want sadness to become my norm, to be my home, I do want to invite it in…

I came home from Vermont late Saturday night to find the flowers in my flower box underneath my front window severely wilted. At first, I cried foul—poison! Someone poisoned my flowers! Now, I wonder if they weren’t a sacrificial death—perhaps a symbol of the year up ‘til now, a foreshadow of what was still to come, a snapshot of my current state so I might investigate further the need for better healing options.

Flowers need nuanced care in order to thrive. Their caregiver must properly tend to their needs, appreciating how much sun is appropriate, how much water is required. The caretaker must observe the flowers with compassion, intellect and patience. They must be willing to remove any weeds that otherwise might stop the flowers’ growth, or to transplant them if they’ve outgrown their containers. The caretaker must provide enough nourishment for strong roots to develop and for the flowers to weather any storm.

We, too, need nuanced care in order to thrive…

I’ve been learning about koans—paradoxical riddles of sort in Zen Buddhism on which students meditate in order to uncover knowledge, intuition, enlightenment. This morning’s lesson was particularly relevant, as though the koan purposefully presented itself to me. Of note, I happen to be in Vermont for the week to ruminate more deeply on this past year-to-date and what I might (continue to) learn from it moving forward. So…you can likely see how this particular koan being the meditation of the day piqued my interest.

Other translations of the koan include:

Medicine and disease (or sickness) exactly correspond (or correspond to each other).
The whole Earth is medicine.
What is self? (Or what are you?)

There are many types of disease…