On knowing oneself
How many of you undertook the journaling exercise offered last week? It’s fair if you didn’t. As a reminder, it was a list of four questions and one prompt to begin to contemplate on what self-love means, why it’s important and how it’s a challenge for most (if not all) of us.
Let’s look at the questions and prompt again:
Why is self-love an important topic for you right now in your life?
How do you think your life would be different if you loved yourself more?
What do you currently do to practice self-love?
What do you currently do that gets in the way?
List five of each:
Reasons you are worthy of love
Mistakes for which you need to forgive yourself
Things you want to share with the world
These are hard! No wonder some of you might not have done this…yet. It’s challenging to tune inwards and see, hear and support ourselves.
So let’s practice. Let’s change the context.
Imagine now that you’re sitting with your son, or your niece, or your godchild, and you’re presenting these same questions and prompt to this young, innocent soul. Would your tone be different? Would you speak more slowly and kindly? Would you offer more space, more pause? Would you accept the answers without preference? Would you allow the feelings without judgement? Would you hold this person and their experiences with greater acceptance and compassion?
I’m going to guess yes, as I know I sure did when I imagined one of my nieces and nephews and practiced.
How might we start to extend that same love to ourselves?
We can start by getting curious and learning about ourselves more.
We might live with ourselves every day—in our body, our breath, our mind/thoughts/beliefs—yet we often tune outwards and might miss connections, patterns, habits that are right there, in front of us, repeating themselves to us until we see, hear understand. So while yes, we live with ourselves every day, our awareness of who we truly are can be as if we are strangers.
Let’s change that.
What tools and exercises are there to get to know ourselves better?
There are many—self-reflection through journalling, self-work with the guidance of a therapist or coach and introspection through movement, breathwork and meditation practices, such as yoga asana, pranayama and dhyana.
There are also many tools you can find online—some grounded in philosophy, others in astrology, some in science, others in pop-culture (typically just for fun).
Here are a few that I used and what I learnt about myself from them.
The Chinese Zodiac
Since today is the start of the Chinese New Year and the Year of the (Metal) Ox, let’s start with the Chinese Zodiac. As someone born in 1976, not only am I a bicentennial baby, I am also a Fire Dragon. (By the way, if I couldn’t be a Rabbit, what could be better sounding, at least, than a Dragon—and a Fire Dragon at that?!?)
What insight did I gain about myself being a Fire Dragon?
Well, I’m Yang, not Yin. Agree. I’m great at the big idea but appreciate (and need) someone else to help with the miscellaneous details. Definitely agree. I’m a fighter, which is the foundation of my success and the hindrance to my personal development. Ouch…and agree. I’m susceptible to fatigue, burnout and insomnia…yes, yes and yes!…and need to remember to keep calm, to stay relaxed, to not overthink or obsess and to take time for myself, especially in nature. Sigh…and agree. Ultimately, I’m a “strong and independent figure that years for support and love”. Swoon. Yes! Agree! I feel seen, heard and understood.
My Professional Natal Report
Let’s continue in a similar vein and look at my professional natal report. Very specifically, not only was I born in 1976, but I was born at 11:07a EET on May 12, 1976 in Adana, Turkey at 37°N 01’00” and 35°E 18’00”.
Wow. Super specific. What insight did I gain, here, other than the Sun was in Taurus, the Moon in Scorpio, etc.?
Well, I’m an outgoing and active person who is independent, outwardly directed and very conscious in the direction that I lead my life. My chart suggests that an entrepreneurial pursuit of some type would find me at my best. Well, that’s interesting given what I’m attempting right now…and what friends and family have told me for years. I am the ONE WHO CAN BE COUNTED ON (the report’s all-caps, not mine, but I agree) for whatever must be accomplished. This is interesting—I am aware that forward progress can only occur if there is a firm foundation with which to begin, and I need to be aware—others might view my “noble persistence as stubbornness, cussedness and pigheadedness”. Oof…yes! I think they have…many a time! And it’s burnt me.
Overall, I can be filled with self-doubt and suffer from overwhelming feelings of unworthiness. Agree…trying not to judge. I’m quite sentimental and sensitive to criticism even though I usually give the appearance of total self-confidence. Yes! I learnt this so much this past year, surprising even myself. Hello, stranger. I have a continuing defeatist attitude, which probably stems from some unfortunate childhood experiences. My work, therefore, is to realize that these fears are long since past and no longer relevant to my present life. Thanks to Vienna and Emily over the years who have worked with me and continue to work with me on this.
The Enneagram
Then there’s the Enneagram. What did I learn from this that I might not have known (or refused to acknowledge)?
I’m a Type 6 (Loyalist) with tied Type 3 (Achiever) and Type 2 (Helper) as my runner ups. Hello, Co-Dependent, Over-Achieving, People Pleasing Catherine! We see you! I desperately seek security and safety, and I suffer from chronic self-doubting. I’m hearing a recurring theme. I fear abandonment, and therefore, once I begin to trust and to commit, I find it difficult to leave a relationship or other situation, sometimes shrinking or otherwise contorting myself in order to keep the peace or to fit in. Some gentle understanding is starting to surface from me to myself. I would benefit from remembering that while I cannot always manage external events, I can manage my own thoughts.
The Myers-Brigg Type Indicator
And, of course, there’s the well-known Myers-Brigg personality assessment. Does anyone know what I am*?
I’m friendly, warm, kind, loyal, realistic. I’m sociable, outgoing and honour my commitments. I prefer these, please go on. I dislike change, I have trouble with conflict, I’m sensitive to criticism and I seek approval. I’m prone to self-doubt and insecurity. I’m easily hurt by unkindness or indifference. I sense myself judging here. When I believe that I’m not supported, I can feel extremely hurt, yet because I dislike criticism and conflict, it’s challenging for me to address problems that come up. I, therefore, can compromise my own needs and values in exchange for approval, which can lead to emotionally abusive relationships or situaitons. Again, some recurring themes here, yet I’m beginning to feel more acceptance and compassion for myself.
Going back…
Some of these insights are not necessarily new for me. As mentioned earlier, we live in our body, breath and mind every day. I’ve been a yoga practitioner for 20 years now. I’ve been a patient of psychotherapy for almost a decade (off and on, mostly on). I love digging into self-help books and writing in journals.
And yet…I can still be unrelenting with my preference, judgement and criticism in this self-love work.
Going back to last week’s journaling exercise, if I could remember these natural proclivities, might I extend to myself greater acceptance and compassion as I would if I were sitting with one of my nieces or nephews instead?
Yes! Of course I would. I’d be more curious with myself for curiosity’s sake and hold myself in high regard as the soul that I am. I’d realize easier that I am perfectly imperfect (and, conversely, imperfectly perfect). I’d recognize vulnerability as the key to my authenticity, which ultimately is the same key to self-love.
The practice for this week
Sit with yourself as if with a child. Sit in the stillness. Feel what is out of control. Sit in the silence. Listen to your inner voice. Go inwards, saying yes to yourself. Begin to observe.
If possible, try the journaling exercise again. See what comes up for you. If you’re repeating it, see what’s different this time around.
XO
*BTW, I’m an ESFJ (extraverted feeling with sensing).
Should you be interested in using any of the tools I used:
Professional Natal Report (note: this is not the company my grandparents’ used)
Enneagram Test (via SOAR Coaching & Consulting)
Enneagram Test (via Integrative 9 Enneagram Solutions)
Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendencies Quiz
Harvard University’s Implicit Bias Test
As a side note—thank you, Nonny and Granddaddy, for having given the professional natal report to me as a gift back in 1997. I might not have appreciated it back then, but who knew years later, after carrying it with me through countless moves, I would still have the original paperwork!
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