A reflection on uncertainty
i am trusting the uncertainty
and believing i will
end up somewhere
right and good
~rupi kaur
I have a super power. We all do.
Mine? It's my strong work ethic. It always has been. I'm a believer in discipline and hard work, and I enjoy the focus, persistence and motivation that my work ethic both requires and nurtures. It’s no wonder, then, that a strong yoga practice is the foundation of my self-care and well-being rituals, as yoga itself is a disciplined, driven approach towards transformation.
However...my relationship with my super power hasn't always been the healthiest. I’ve oftentimes over-prioritized it at the expense of its opposite—that being rest, relaxation, “down time”. This has sometimes (read: often) resulted in overwhelm, disappointment, frustration.
More times than not, I've directed my work ethic towards externally, productivity-driven “expectations"—accolades, degrees, certifications, titles/salaries/promotions, etc. Unfortunately, this sometimes has come at the sacrifice of my own internally-based values—congruency with my integrity and intuition, pursuit of my own vision and dreams, prioritization of my relationships with others and with myself.
Why this disconnect?
Upon reflection, I blame it on the weight I gave for far too many years to the perfectionist and the people pleaser in me. Together, their super objective has been to strive to reduce, if not wholly eliminate, uncertainty at all cost, tirelessly attempting to control situations and circumstances to ensure that I was good enough or that others liked me. They didn’t care as much about whether I let myself down, so long as no one else was let down in the process. (The poor things—they were only doing what they thought was right.)
Their unchecked (and desperate) need for external validation resulted in my super power at times becoming my kryptonite—I never learnt when or how to dial back my work ethic (or when or how to simply turn it off). And I rarely accepted the invitation of help from my work ethic’s opposite—rest, relaxation, down time—despite its desire and ability to provide balance and to reduce, or eliminate, any resulting fatigue or burnout.
So, over the years, as uncertainty arose, and things didn’t quite turn out as planned, my perfectionist and people pleaser would be at it again, then playing the role of fixer, taking on more, doing more, amplifying quality and effort more and, as a result, ignoring my guttural instincts and de-prioritizing my own goals, my relationships, my overall health and wellness. Let’s just say it—my joy and happiness.
As an example, I’ve shared before that my employment ended unexpectedly earlier this year. Honestly? I was devastated and humiliated. I listened to my perfectionist and people pleaser who both were wallowing in embarrassment—how could they have failed? How could they have allowed for this to happen? Where had they been deficient? What could they have done better?
They ignored the fact that this place had been a toxic work environment for me for almost a year and that this decision, albeit not mine, provided me with a sense of relief and freedom that I hadn’t been willing to afford myself (and likely wouldn’t have). Rather, they made it about them, us, me—our collective ego.
Thankfully, over the years, a few other characters have developed, grown up and grabbed the internal microphone periodically, sometimes asking, sometimes demanding, to be heard. For instance, my inner child has begged me to investigate the why behind the roles my perfectionist and people pleaser play. My caregiver has gently demanded that I slow. things. down. The teacher in me has required attentive, purposeful rest and relaxation to take the place of otherwise passive, short-term forms of relief (i.e., binge watching).
Had I just kept the microphone in the hands of my perfectionist and people pleaser, I might have stayed lamenting over my being laid off for awhile. Thankfully, my inner characters came together and collectively shared with me their thoughts of the past, wishes for the future and request to just be present now.
They’ve helped me to see this dismissal and its ensuing uncertainty as a gift. Yes, it was unfortunate, especially given the backdrop of the pandemic, but overall, it’s allowed for me to de-activate my otherwise always-on sympathetic nervous system, to gain a profound level of self-awareness and to refuse to ever de-prioritize my self-care and well-being again.
They’ve reminded me of the totality of the yoga practice, above and beyond just the active asana (postural) practice that I typically practiced, despite being the yoga teacher and teacher trainer that I am. Even in yoga, we can over-prioritize the “doing” and under-prioritize the “being” of the practice (the work ethic can overshadow the down time). In actuality, yoga is a dance of both doing and being, of effort and ease, of practice and non-attachment. We learn through our practice to discipline the certainty of our body, our breath, our thoughts in order to control the mind’s fluctuations…so that we might open up and let go into the uncertainty of the great vastness beyond.
They’ve made me realize that trying to control the uncontrollable, the uncertainty that exists, mandates a resisting of flow and a deadening of our super powers that just isn’t worth it. That requires us to keep ourselves from truly being known, to shrink ourselves in an attempt to fit in, to chase other people’s dreams rather than our own. As I wrote, it’s just not worth it. (And it’s impossible.)
We’d likely succumb to burnout, sadness or anxiety. We’d likely steal from our joy and happiness and our overall sense of fulfillment.
I definitely don’t want that anymore. I’d rather trust in uncertainty and have a faith in the unknown, in the process shedding what has bound me—perfectionism, people pleasing, co-dependency, feelings of inadequacy, overall low self-worth—in effort to absorb energy and open myself up to new possibilities.
My definition of success has had to evolve. It’s no longer about title/salary/promotion (though Founder of Move. Breathe. Be. is pretty cool!). Rather, it’s about using my skill set to make an impact. It’s about being purposeful in my words and actions. It’s about waking up each morning and starting my day with intention. It’s about practicing yoga every day—not just asana (movement) but also pranayama (breath work) and dhyana (sitting, meditation)—and in smaller, more frequent bursts throughout the day. It’s about prioritizing relationships, including, and especially, the one with myself.
It’s less about reinventing myself and more about finally becoming myself.
My light is bright. I’ll end up somewhere right and good.
Look closely at the present you are constructing; it should look like the future you are dreaming.
~Alice Walker
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